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Someone very close to me (you can guess who) told me they were dying inside, said they can't move on and asked why they were alive...So in response i told them:
"Why are you alive?
"Why are you alive?
You are alive to save a life
You are alive to make people happy
To make them laugh
You are alive to make people smile
To make people look at themselves and feel good
Because you make them feel good
You are alive for a very special reason
To show people it is ok to be themself
and that there is no right or wrong person
You are alive to save my life
You are alive to make me smile
To make me laugh
To tell me i am who i am
To make me comfortable to be me
You are alive because God thought you could put something into the world
So he sent you down here to make that difference
to give that one person a chance of living the life you saved for them
Because he knew you were strong enough to do it
And He knew you were wise enough to do what was worth doing
Because He had faith in you
Just like i do
You are alive for a very special reason"
Now i am not one to talk about God, i am not religious, but my mother and her side of the family is...So often times i will mention Him in passing such as here
This made them tear up, and they are not the person to tear up easily...They said i did what "She" (Their Gram who died a few years ago) used to do...the fact that i was compared to their Gram makes me feel really special inside as they said their Gram was the most important person in their life before she died...
Anyway...I want everyone to read this...i think it is important for everyone to know...I want all of you to read it....I don't want anyone i know-- or even don't know, for that fact- to wonder why they are alive
Now i am not one to talk about God, i am not religious, but my mother and her side of the family is...So often times i will mention Him in passing such as here
This made them tear up, and they are not the person to tear up easily...They said i did what "She" (Their Gram who died a few years ago) used to do...the fact that i was compared to their Gram makes me feel really special inside as they said their Gram was the most important person in their life before she died...
Anyway...I want everyone to read this...i think it is important for everyone to know...I want all of you to read it....I don't want anyone i know-- or even don't know, for that fact- to wonder why they are alive
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It's almost midnight. I work tomorrow, I cant afford to not sleep but here I am I guess Idk what it is, the heat...being over tired...being burnt out... But I can't seem to get my brain to shut off. Im tired enough, I'm exhausted, but the second I got in bed I can't sleep Every car that passes by scares the shit out of me. It's a busy road so cars aren't unusual but they're freaking me out tonight, especially if they slow down. I have tried to sleep, but I just keep staring at the wall, like I'm expecting something bad to happen at any second. You know the anticipation before a fire drill at school? It's that. Like I'm waiting for something but idk when it's going to happen I'm paranoid tonight. Really paranoid. Maybe it's too much true crime who knows I've always had bad nights, though, as long as I can remember The vast majority are fine, nothing notable, but when I have a bad night it's pretty bad. I see things in the shadows, I get paranoid, I nearly jump out of my
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It’s funny how quickly mood can change. I was doing actually pretty good on Thursday. That didn’t last long. I’m back in depression. something big happened at work, I’ve been working towards for a few years…and then something happened that made me totally feel like I don’t deserve it. this might be imposter syndrome or depression, but I feel like I’m tricking everyone into thinking I’m good at my job. It’s like every other task I fuck up royally and I don’t know how to fix it. i second guess my career choice every other fucking day and it sucks. I know at one point I loved my job. That’s depression I guess. also funny how self aware about this I can be and yet we’re still here. Still stuck in this rut. I don’t even know howmto start climbing out
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It’s funny how quickly mood can change. I was doing actually pretty good on Thursday. That didn’t last long. I’m back in depression. something big happened at work, I’ve been working towards for a few years…and then something happened that made me totally feel like I don’t deserve it. this might be imposter syndrome or depression, but I feel like I’m tricking everyone into thinking I’m good at my job. It’s like every other task I fuck up royally and I don’t know how to fix it. i second guess my career choice every other fucking day and it sucks. I know at one point I loved my job. That’s depression I guess. also funny how self aware about this I can be and yet we’re still here. Still stuck in this rut. I don’t even know howmto start climbing out
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today I am piloting a vessel. I don’t feel much claim to this body. It’s doing what I want it to but i don’t exactly know if im telling it to do that or not. It feels like it’s own entity I’m the world that coexists alongside me. I wouldn’t necessarily mind this if not for the expectation of reality which is feeling connected to your body. i wont do anything, this vessel gets me from point a to point b, it’s in my best interest to maintain it, it just doesn’t feel like We are one person, but two objects put together. I thought I’d start feeling better today. Idk why, it’s been a few days since i started feeling low I guess, and I thought I’d start to be on the rise again. im not it’s more of a jagged path down. Idk where it ends I feel like a panic attack is coming. I’ve never had panic attacks before the pandemic. and then I had 3 last year around may and June. I had another one a few months ago. the fear of experiencing that again is almost enough to send me into one
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It makes me so sad when people say they shouldn't be aliv or that no one loves them, because God wouldn't of put you here if you were useless and he loves you, so that makes at least one person that loves you!