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It's almost midnight. I work tomorrow, I cant afford to not sleep but here I am I guess Idk what it is, the heat...being over tired...being burnt out... But I can't seem to get my brain to shut off. Im tired enough, I'm exhausted, but the second I got in bed I can't sleep Every car that passes by scares the shit out of me. It's a busy road so cars aren't unusual but they're freaking me out tonight, especially if they slow down. I have tried to sleep, but I just keep staring at the wall, like I'm expecting something bad to happen at any second. You know the anticipation before a fire drill at school? It's that. Like I'm waiting for something but idk when it's going to happen I'm paranoid tonight. Really paranoid. Maybe it's too much true crime who knows I've always had bad nights, though, as long as I can remember The vast majority are fine, nothing notable, but when I have a bad night it's pretty bad. I see things in the shadows, I get paranoid, I nearly jump out of my
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It’s funny how quickly mood can change. I was doing actually pretty good on Thursday. That didn’t last long. I’m back in depression. something big happened at work, I’ve been working towards for a few years…and then something happened that made me totally feel like I don’t deserve it. this might be imposter syndrome or depression, but I feel like I’m tricking everyone into thinking I’m good at my job. It’s like every other task I fuck up royally and I don’t know how to fix it. i second guess my career choice every other fucking day and it sucks. I know at one point I loved my job. That’s depression I guess. also funny how self aware about this I can be and yet we’re still here. Still stuck in this rut. I don’t even know howmto start climbing out
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It’s funny how quickly mood can change. I was doing actually pretty good on Thursday. That didn’t last long. I’m back in depression. something big happened at work, I’ve been working towards for a few years…and then something happened that made me totally feel like I don’t deserve it. this might be imposter syndrome or depression, but I feel like I’m tricking everyone into thinking I’m good at my job. It’s like every other task I fuck up royally and I don’t know how to fix it. i second guess my career choice every other fucking day and it sucks. I know at one point I loved my job. That’s depression I guess. also funny how self aware about this I can be and yet we’re still here. Still stuck in this rut. I don’t even know howmto start climbing out
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today I am piloting a vessel. I don’t feel much claim to this body. It’s doing what I want it to but i don’t exactly know if im telling it to do that or not. It feels like it’s own entity I’m the world that coexists alongside me. I wouldn’t necessarily mind this if not for the expectation of reality which is feeling connected to your body. i wont do anything, this vessel gets me from point a to point b, it’s in my best interest to maintain it, it just doesn’t feel like We are one person, but two objects put together. I thought I’d start feeling better today. Idk why, it’s been a few days since i started feeling low I guess, and I thought I’d start to be on the rise again. im not it’s more of a jagged path down. Idk where it ends I feel like a panic attack is coming. I’ve never had panic attacks before the pandemic. and then I had 3 last year around may and June. I had another one a few months ago. the fear of experiencing that again is almost enough to send me into one
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One thing NEITHER of you are committing suicide so please tell me what's going on